Man, it is so interesting how hormones work.. I am completely baffled and amazed. This morning I woke up from a nightmarish dream (from which I remember no particulars), showered, ate a banana with Nutella (breakfast of cHAMPions!), drank my coffee and did my “cool kid” breathing exercise on the porch– all the while feeling like I was emotionally constipated, but unwilling to suffer the pain of trying to deal with them (push ‘m out). I knew I couldn’t handle another day like yesterday (and every day for the past week or so), so I decided to take the medicine I gave to a friend last week, and CHOose to FEel my FEelings– not acting on them, mind you– all the while, PRAYing for God to come into my heart and heal the places where I had no clue what was going on, or how to fix it.
So this is interesting: no matter how numb or defensive I’m feeling, the only way I’ve found to SAFely pierce my heart and let my emotions flow, is by reading the Bible! I just realized that today, because I was SERiously in such a place of hardcore fatigue, ambivalence, apathy, despondence, and numbness that I didn’t expect I would even be able to keep my eyes on the page as I was reading. And honestly, I barely remember what I read, but it pierced me. Right open. And I cried. A lot. And really, I’m not sure what about. And I don’t think that really matters. It was cleansing. It was right and true. It was healing.
“For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.”
And that’s not even the whole story. Okay-okay, so then I went to work– which has been sucking my life away, one nerve-ending at a time (ha! that’s a really good way to put it!)– and was confronted with an issue that’s been simmering in my subconscious ever since I started working there. Well, actually, for my whole life, but especially since last February (oh my goodness, it’s been over a year.. holy moooo-cow). Anyway! The issue [Oh! A good song just came on! “I…. will hold on hope, and I….. won’t let you choke, on the noose around your neck! And I…..’ll find strength in pain and I… will change my ways, I’ll know my name as it’s cold again!”] is this: INDIVIDUALITY.
See, there’s always been this URGENT desire in the PiT of my SPiRiT to be UNiQUE! BeaUTiFUL! ME! SWELL! UNBRiDLED! SET APART! GOOD! And there’s always-always-always been this equal & opposite force coming against that that says things like, “Who do you think you are? Remember how awful you are, innately? Stay put, twerp; nobody likes a pompous happy-person.” Ha.. like being happy and pompous are the same things.. ohhh dreary.. ANYway, so these forces have been at WAR with each other for YEARS, and working at the Cafe has really made me think about.. well, “me.” Probably because we all have to wear the same outfit, we’re roughly at the same point in life, have similar non-goals, and most everybody does the same things after work. I so often feel like BEiNG mySELF there, and I am!– sometimes, but most of the time, I just do what everybody else does, because I don’t want to stick out. Don’t want people to think I’m arrogant and want to draw attention to myself (which I really, really don’t– unless I’m on stage, of course).
At any rate, I’ve been thinking about that quite a bit lately. Feel like my quirks have been curling into the fetal position and atrophying.. it’s getting to the point where I can’t ignore it anymore. Oh my gosh, get on with it. Okay, so I got home and just sat in my [cute, cute, cute] lil’ yellow chair and stared off into space for a few minutes (twenty); these and other thoughts drifting in and out of my brainy-poo. One line kept coming around.. don’t remember who said it, but it goes, “If a disciple of Christ claims that suffering and pain is avoidable and absent in his life, I doubt whether he has the Spirit of Christ in his heart.” That’s a major paraphrase.. in fact, maybe I should just say that I said that..heheh.. anyway!!! (why am I so RAMBLY??) So, suddenly had the urge to pick up my “Daily Thoughts for Disciples” by Oswald Chambers. And check this entry out!! It’s today’s:
“The dilemmas of our personal life with God are few if we obey and many if we are willful. Spiritually the dilemma arises from the disinclination for discipline; every time I refuse to discipline my natural self, I become less and less of a person and more and more of an independent, impertinent individual. Individuality is the characteristic of the natural man; personality is the characteristic of the spiritual man. That is why our Lord can never be defined in terms of individuality, but only in terms of personality. Individuality is the characteristic of the child, it is the husk of the personal life. It is all ‘elbows,’ it separates and isolates; personality can merge and be blended The shell of individuality is God’s created covering for the protection of the personal life, but individuality must go in order that the personal life may be brought out into fellowship with God– ‘that they may be one, even as We are one.’
“If we have never been hurt by a statement of Jesus, it is questionable whether we have ever really heard Him speak. Jesus Christ has no tenderness whatever towards anything that is ultimately going to ruin a man for the service of God. If the Spirit of God brings to our mind a word of the Lord that hurts, we may be perfectly certain there is something He wants to hurt to death.”
In my words, “individuality” would be the part of me that wants isolation, separateness, and distinction, which– contrary to how it may seem– is exactly what happens when I choose NOT to be myself (engage in my own personality) and instead “pretend” to be the same as everybody else, which– SO IRONICALLY– is, in fact, individuality. That didn’t make much sense.. well, anyway, “personality” is the part of me that doesn’t have to pretend. It simply acts, and is– who it was created to be.
And that’s all I have to say at the moment.. I’m sure there’s sOOOo much more I could think about on this subject, but it would be the most difficult thing in the wORLd to read. Because I am hungry. So maybe I’ll write more later. But that’s not very likely, because I will be making dresses. The end.