Well, it’s a new day, a new morning… I’m at the Golden Roast, which is stupidly going to be closed for two weeks over Christmas. Oh well. I had the most amazing experience the day before yesterday. Track-jumping amazing.
I was realizing this: I have made “peace” into my higher power, or “God.” I have been serving and worshiping “peace,” in my heart and mind and will, like it was the ultimate best: period.
Realizing that was pretty startling, especially since I claim to have a personal, intimate, all-in relationship with Christ… and it got me thinking:
What is all this worry about? All this anxiety, tension, awkwardness, fear, lack-of-motivation, timidity, etc?? Let me list what I KNOW it is: foreign, evil, and entangling.
“God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, love, and sound mind.”
“…let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus…”
“For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”
My stomach hurts…
So, …what was I saying… bleekkk… um, okay, so: when I’m worried, anxious, etc… that’s ME living MY life. It makes sense that that would be a miserable experience, seeing as I’ve submitted my life to God – and now my life is a living sacrifice, and HIS Life is what runs me. I wish I had a good analogy for this… it doesn’t seem to be coming across as clearly as I wanted…
It’s like… oh my gosh, I’ve been sitting here for six minutes trying to think of a good analogy and it’s just not coming. It’s like when God shows you that your deepest longing for someone to care for you and love you is completely met in Him… and you give your life to Him, and He gives you His in return. I’m not sure if you can ever get your life back (not that anyone in his right mind would want to), but you can certainly choose to not live His. That’s when I reject His love and care, and try to love and care for myself (like I used to). It just doesn’t work. For me anyway.
If any of this made sense… that’s amazing. Off to work now!
carlabaudrons.art 
I had a similar revelation…probably at about the same time you had this one. God told me that I was trying to create my own joy. It hit like a ton of bricks. But I definitely recognized it as truth. So…I have tried to stop. It hasn’t been so awfully hard because “creating my own joy” obviously hasn’t been working. : )
makes perfect sense….i would like to believe i always pick His life….but that would be something akin to denial.. :)
p.s. we found a place….sorry it didn’t work out to be neighbors. :( but we should get together sometime anyway. :)