So I got here this morning, determined with all of my strength and will power to get with God, read the Word, commune with Christ, and obey the direction of the Holy Spirit. But also with the anticipation of a dead man. Seriously, there was nothing, nothing, nothing in me that had any desire whatsoever for any of these things. It was all will power. You know, how you can drink Robitussin and know that it’s only for your own good, as you feel the burning, stinking acidic filth rolling down your throat, coating your mouth in shimmering red putrescence…?
Anyway. I got here and, after checking Facebook (nobody likes me), I opened up my Bible to Ezekial 13, which was the chapter I was really intrigued by last week, and began to read. My eyes actually started to do the broken record thing… it was really weird. So I thought, “Okay, well, how about I start?” So I told God how I was doing, what I was feeling, what I was thankful for, what I was thinking, what I wanted, etc. SOMETHING was just WRONG though. My talking was coming from a place of… reservoir, like the fumes in the gas tank.
Then I remembered, that when my motivation dries up, that’s usually an indication that I’m on the wrong track. So I thought about that for a sec… but I didn’t have too much energy to think, so I mostly just sat still in my soul.
Then my lazy eyes wandered over to the next chapter, and they fell on this verse: “Son of man, when a land sins against Me by persistent unfaithfulness, I will stretch out My hand against it, I will cut off its supply of bread, send famine on it, and cutt off man and beast from it.” It’s Ezekial 14:13…
And suddenly it came to me… I know (I KNOW) the areas of my life in which I am consistently being unfaithful to God. I toootally thought that He didn’t care, because I just kept receiving so much GRACE for these areas… but – as abundant as Grace is – it comes with a price. Ha. YOUR LIFE. Sheesh. NOBODY TELLS YOU THIS until you’re IN IT. Sooooo… yeah… God is ALWAYS faithful, for heavensake… He never leaves, He never loses hope, He’s persistent to the DEATH (litrly), He’s overflowing with Grace, and His will and way are the BEST.
I’m giving myself a pep talk, because the ways in which I’m following MY will and way are exTREMEly difficult to give up. I’m not even sure if I know how to. I know that if He has a will for me, He’s going to open the way… I know that… siiiigh. Okee doke, that’s all for now.
carlabaudrons.art 
Wow Carla. That was so good. It’s amazing how simple repentance is. We have made it so difficult for ourselves. It’s just a turn in the other direction. That’s what you did. Thanks for the example you set.
You are so right. He DOES have a way for you, and He WILL open it up. Don’t lose heart. You know, in a way, this morning might be the best place you’ve been in a long time…even though it felt so death-y.
You are so in God’s hand. And He is never inactive. AND He thinks you’re great; He really does!