That was just from a song that’s been on my head all day, it has nothing to do at all with how depressed and lonely I am. Not even a little bit.
I’m sitting here at the GOlden Roast. There is an artist’s work displayed this month of beautiful, beautiful men. Beautiful. And there is actually one sitting in front of me. It’s unnerving me. OR (rather) I am unnerved.
Beautiful things. “Perfect” things (on the outside) are all around me these days. I’m noticing them. Sometimes I notice them like this: “Ohhhhh what a beautiful _____!” and sometimes I notice them like this: “I am so much less beautiful than ________…” and.. you know, sometimes I notice them like this: “I’ll bet they think they’re beautiful. I’ll bet they think I’m not beautiful. I’ll bet they’d think I was beautiful if ______..”
I’m seeing two things here.
1) Grounded observation, and
2) Subjective assessment.
I want to POUND THIS INTO MY FREAKING HEAD.. so I’m going to expound.
Grounded observation is where my feet are planted in objective TRUTH. I am only acknowledging what is factual, actual, and literally happening RIGHT NOW. I am taking in my surroundings and breathing. When I say “breathing,” I mean “automatically sustaining my own being,” by the way.
The fact.. I think.. is! –that without recognizing my position in reality and the Truth of what IS, I drift into Truth’s ORBIT. I’m not grounded in it at all, and all I can consider is what “ISN’T.” THIS IS A DANGEROUS PLACE. Because.. “wale, Truth’s raht thare!” but I’m not IN it, I’m talking aROUND it.
I don’t know if any of that made sense, but it’s what I’ve been doing ALL DAY today. And I HATE IT!!!!!
Subjective assessment is basically where I’ve lost all touch with the Truth I know.. I’ve left His orbit completely, and am now in ANOTHER PERSON’S orbit (personal conviction: there are no inbetweens). Oh my lore, talk about dangerous. This is frightening, because a circumstance or an idea -IN THIS PLACE- can be completely true and completely clear.. withOUT ::ME:: understanding it.
For instance. One time I saw a boyfriend “size-up” another girl. In a perfect world where I am always with Truth in the center of “Now,” I may have observed the sizing-up, paused to reflect on the nature of it, taken any necessary action the reflection may have incurred (slap, discuss, laugh, etc), and move on. HOWEVER, when I am self-consumed, I’m not operating from a central point!!! I’m operating from a distant point, LOOking central. So, in this case, I saw the sizing-up, I hated the boyfriend, I hated the girl, and I decided to become anorexic.
So.. I’m.. trying to.. not live there. Because I (me) have realized that whenever I am out of Truth, I am not. actually. living.
Aaaaaand.. ‘s all I gots t’say.