..I was in the DEPTHS of deSPAIR a few weeks ago, ACHING and GROAning in the deepest parts of my heart.. feeling everything larger than life, and wishing everything were simple.. when I stumbled upon this thought:
The pits show me the heights.. just like the black accentuates the white.
I have this tendency to think that God’s will is always white.. His desire is for me to always be in love, always to be secure, safe, peaceful, joyful, content.. but when I actually step back and think about that.. what’n heck’fire would my life be LIKE if everything went like I wanted it to all the time?
I was thinking these thoughts sitting in the middle of a puddle of tears (quite, quite literally), and they provided me with some amount of clarity. I think God’s peace IS, in essence, “clarity.” It doesn’t mean comfort, ease, and slow smiles.. it’s when I’m in the middle of the biggest crisis of all time, and I fall prostrate in my heart to God the Father.. and remember.. that He is “intimately acquainted with all my ways.” I think His peace must only come with submission.. at least that’s been my experience.
So I fell prostrate in my heart, to Father.. and the prayer of my convulsing gut was simply, “What do I need to do/be to be taken up to be with you?” I meant it spiritually, by the way.. and I was in such an OPEN, receptive place in my spirit, that I heard a few things..
1. “The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart,” and
2. “Rejoice in the LORD always, and again I say, rejoice!”
And I thought, “I can do that first one.. I’m actually already there. Can I go from this place to rejoicing?” The fact of the matter is.. when you’re “at rock bottom” emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.. if you’re thrown a rope, it’s kind of silly to think about it for more than a split second.
So I took it! I rejoiced in the LORD, I thanked Him for things, I remembered things He’d done in my life, I noticed His beauty, I sang, I laughed, I excercised, I ate delicious food, I called a friend and told them about His gREAtness.. and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding.. flooded my soul and my life.
He is a good God. He is a mysterious God. He is with me. Today.