Tuesday, February 25th, 2025, 11:21AM
Yoo haloo. Anyone else have this random Mary Poppins line pop into your head every other time you need to say hello? Giggle, horse pbbpfpbt and all? Anyway, hi. I’m in a state of paralysis that is refusing to go away, so I’m going to try to word-vomit out whatever’s clogging my willpower. Hopefully that’ll work.
I’m in a frustrating state of limbo (I feel like I may have used that exact phrase in my last post), because I’ve been updated by the deputy in charge of my Situation, but not given specifics. I don’t think I should go into too much detail in this public forum, in case that’s inappropriate for any reason. This is my first time ever bringing charges against anyone, and I have to admit, I’m super nervous and uncomfortable about the whole thing. Especially not telling them. I can’t help feeling like a snitch. Which I think is the clog that needs to get sorted. Sigh. Okay, so let’s unpack it.
Tattletale
From my two minutes of research, it seems that “tattle” is a very old word, having to do with stuttering and giving up secrets (confessions under torture??), and of course “tale” is cognate with “tell” and “talk,” so YES, I feel very much like a tattletale, but in this case, my morals are actually my torturers! It would be soooo much more comfortable for me to sweep all of this under the rug, and it would make me look and feel good (to some people). I could tout forgiveness, empathy, and altruism by magnanimously allowing my attacker to go unpunished, hoping my graciousness might influence her to really think about what kind of life she’s living, and if she wants to seek help. I’m telling you, the urge to take this route is all but overpowering. I know that if I decided to drop the charges, I would instantly feel relief. Not only because I wouldn’t have the word “tattletale” bouncing around in my stomach anymore, but also just because I absolutely hate knowing that anyone is mad at me, no matter how much I care about them. So fucked.
Involuntary Manslaughter
So I’ve already thought long and hard about the ethics and morals and everything, and I know that pressing charges is the “right” thing for me to do in this circumstance, but another sound byte that keeps playing in my head is, “She didn’t know it was you!” If she had finished what she started, the charge would’ve been “Involuntary Manslaughter,” which is when a person kills another person by accident. And her defense would most likely be “Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity,” because she would never (hopefully) want to kill me “in real life.”
I think this is the crux actually, because I wouldn’t feel like a snitch if she’d meant to kill me. So the question, I guess, is… How much should intent affect how we feel about behavior? It’s SO interesting that this is coming up right now, because I just ran across this fantastic TikTok the other day, let me see if I can find it… ooh, awesome, I found it:
So good. Essentially what she’s saying is that it’s not enough for parents to have within themselves a feeling of love for their children –– in order for anyone to feel loved, they have to be shown love in their own language. Otherwise… I’m sorry, but it’s just not love! If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard or repeated, “[Whoever] loves me in their own way,” I would be… saying it around the clock I guess! But really –– I think it’s high time we stopped equating intentions with behavior.
My neighbor attacked me, with intent to kill. I can have compassion for her mental illness and understand that her behavior has to change, regardless of her intentions. Otherwise, I’m essentially saying that 1) Thoughts are as valid as actions, and 2) I deserve to be treated poorly! Neither of which I believe! Or at least, I really don’t want to believe…
I’m really glad I took this time to get myself sorted. I spent so much time, during my deposition, explaining to the deputies that I “bore [neighbors] no ill will,” and being self-effacing by mentioning my own history with alcohol. I don’t necessarily regret saying those things, because it was my best attempt at expressing the difficulty I was having in pressing charges, but I do look back on it with some pity. I wish I had been taught that loving yourself doesn’t preclude loving others. Hell, I wish I’d been taught that loving yourself wasn’t a mortal sin, but here we are.
Okay, I think that’s it for today. Thanks for letting me share.
House of Baudrons Official 