February 27, 2009

Dear Diary,

Today was GREAT, except for a few things. I got up early and let Loewen out while I snoozed for a bit. Made the coffee, took a shower, turned on the shuffle and listened to LOUD music while I worked on Mercy League Haiti’s ID cards. Went to work and laminated them.. did a few hours work there, then met Asha for coffee at the Golden Roast. 

It seems like every single time I’ve ever met someone at the Golden Roast, we always end up (or start out) talking about homeschooling.. it’s getting to be bizarre how that is continually happening..

Anyway, then I thought I was going nuts because my body was doing strange things on the way home, like.. I felt like I was going to go to sleep, my head started POUNding, my back/neck muscles were twitching like crazy-pants, and I just wanted to CRY. I thought it might be an attack, so I started to draw my sword, when several things popped into my head at once. The acronym “HALT,” which stands for “Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired,” John Piper’s book about health and the conceptual realm, and the realization that I hadn’t eaten yet.

So when I got home, I ate some leftover spaghetti with cheese, and am now thinking about eating half a dozen brownies.. probably won’t do that. Probably will, but probably will pretend that I wouldn’t. Hmm.

Anyway, one thing that ruined today – almost – it’s not over yet – was the fact that.. I worked.. pretty hard on the Haiti cards. I pretty much worked on them all morning. I hand-cut the cards and laminated them myself. I don’t have the necessary programs to make the cards in, so I rigged the one I do have.. and it took time and energy. I really WANted to do that for them. I was exCITed to be a part of something spectacular and vision-full. I plowed through and was feeling very accomplished as I laminated the last one.

Then.. I heard this voice.. saying, “You’re no good, you’ve failed today,” actually that’s from a song.. it actually said, “Your best isn’t good enough. They’ll accept your effort, but they’ll never come to you again. You’d better throw in the towel on being ‘useful,’ because you just plain suck at it. Watch their faces when they look at the cards.. it’ll be that same old face that says, ‘Oh! That’s.. nice!.. Carla..’ just watch. They won’t appreciate your heart, they’ll only appreciate the result.. which is terrible.”

Saying that out loud is really sobering. There was a lot of profanity in the speech, that I didn’t say.. because of onions. But anyway.. that’s really what I hear, Diary.. all the time.. constantly.. non-stop. Sucks. I believe it too. I really do. I believe that my effort.. my heart, my courage to stand up and claim who God made me to be.. I believe that it, in essence, falls short.

Which makes me crazy. Believing this MAKES. ME. CRAZY. If I’m “not good enough,” then what the HECK am I still doing here?? If I’m never going to get there, why am I walking?? These are the cries of my heart.. I don’t have an established answer.. I know that the voice of Truth tells me that I am powerless to “measure up.” Only when I am convinced that the scales have been taken away (JESUS CHRIST), do I experience any kind of sanity.

He is able to remove my shortcomings.. by removing the judgement factor. Hmmm..

Ohhh Diary.. I am so thankful for Jesus Christ’s work at the Ol’ Rugged. I may name my coffee shop that.. The Ol’ Rugged.. has a nice ring. 

Well, this has been extremely good to get out of my swarming-marming heart. Thank you, Diary, for always listening to me.. when I go back and read you, you always say such sweet things to me. We should be in contact more often.

3 thoughts on “February 27, 2009”

  1. Hours and hours of “I’m not good enough” speech has flowed in and out of my own mind in the past years. Only lately have I been seeing that God says I AM good enough…for Him.

    I know He has the same feeling about you.

  2. it is an incredible thought that these … are things that we don’t have to believe. I mean, not to sit with someone well-meaning who says this and you nod and say “yes, you’re right…” but to actually move the necessary mental furniture that makes it impossible to believe… so that it becomes possible. I mean, you are pretty well a dynamite woman, with skills all over “the map.” I think that the day will come when you can believe that on a daily (even, mostly, hourly) basis… much love… (and I’m not saying I’ve got this down, either, fyi)

  3. thank you for sharing this. and i would love to have coffee at The Ol’ Rugged…one day…
    for the present time, i would love to get together with you just any-ol’-where…

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