A New Chapter

Hi. I’ve been blogging on Substack, but I can’t juggle so much stuff, so I’m coming back over here. There are a lot of posts over there… but I really don’t feel like moving them. I’d be tempted to re-read them, and then of course I’d be tempted to edit them, which would take years. So instead, I’m going to catch you up to my current position in just a few paragraphs, if I can, and then keep blogging here on WordPress going forward.

Okay, so I’m in Knoxville, Tennessee, my hometown!

You’re welcome for that. It’s stuck in my head forever and now, hopefully, it is in yours too. Anyway, I’m here. It’s cold. I’m struggling. But I’ll be fine. I was living outside Skaneateles, NY (pronounced “Skinny-Atlas”) until just a few weeks ago, on the property of some fine folks I met through “Boondockers Welcome” (basically Couchsurfing.com for RVers); I got incredibly lucky with them, I can’t wait to visit again when I’m making my rounds.

I’ve been house cleaning, did I mention that? It started as Airbnb cleaning, then student move-outs, and the random client by word-of-mouth. I’m pretty good at it, but I do take my time and very much like to be alone (for efficiency as much as peace), so I know I’m not everybody’s bag. But it’s a good gig! Right now I’m living on my buddy, Josh’s property in the Oakwood/Lincoln Park neighborhood, and doing work for him (some in exchange for rent, some for pay), but I may start opening up my calendar for cleaning gigs soon, depending on one thing (read on to find out what!).

I decided to move back to TN for a while, for a couple of reasons: 1) I was only staying in New York for my ex, and he has a new lady who doesn’t want me in their lives, 2) The cost of living in NY is certifiably NUTS, but also 3) I’m in town to be with my dear, sweet mommer for the beginning phase of her post-cancer treatment. She was diagnosed a little while ago with a rare type of melanoma (literally inside her nasal passages?!) and is experiencing all the fun that comes with learning about cancer, treatments, doctors, etc. So anyway, I figured it would be a good time for me to visit and help out, see if I can make a little money, pay some people back, hang out with my favorite friends and family.

Before I go into my feewlings, I’ll also share that after a long and trying time on the phone and internet, I finally was able to talk to the right person, and am officially covered by Medicaid for the foreseeable future. I’m shocked, but apparently in TN, anyone who is in active treatment for breast or cervical cancer gets free Medicaid, period! I thought for sure my “treatment” wouldn’t qualify, since it rarely qualifies to get me any financial assistance or grants anywhere, but I guess it does! So, woopdidoo!

I was able to find a breast oncologist who looks incredible. I have an appointment with her coming up in January, at which point I will have missed two full months of my hormone suppressant injection, yikes. She said it would be fine though, after looking at my chart. I hope she’s right. I’m so nervous I’m going to start my PERiod again, GAH that would suck, and probably be right around Christmas. In case you were wondering, the treatment I’m on is one slow releasing “subcutaneous implant” of the drug goserelin, as well as a daily pill of the aromatase inhibitor drug called letrozole, both of which serve to eradicate any and all estrogen, progesterone, and even testosterone (I just learned) from my old bag o’ bones. Since the goserelin is injected into my stomach fat, on alternating sides of my belly button, I’m assuming its focus is more on the ovaries, but I’m not 100% sure… anyway.

So I’m not sure what I expected to feel when I got to Knoxville, but it wasn’t the big fuckin’ slump of depression that washed over me literally the minute I got into town. I’ve been on antidepressants for coming up on a decade, and in therapy for longer, so I have a good sense of whether or not I’m “okay,” and I am okay. But damn, I really haven’t struggled like this in a long time. It’s hard to explain the feelings, but I do want to try.

Since I like lists, I’m going to see if I can start there. So the things that are definitely affecting my mood are:
• Poverty
• Debt
• Weather
• Allergies
• Family’s health/insurance
• Lack of motivation
• Fear of Josh (wtf)
• Financial ineptitude
• Tattoo industry stigma
• Friend X
• Friend Y and Friend Z dating
• XXXXX’s arrested development
• Eating well
• Exercising regularly
• Being creative
Okay, that’s enough for now. It’s a good list. SHIT. It’s so stressful to look at! These are the things that are making my stomach churn around the clock these days. I feel like there’s a DBT skill I learned for addressing this kind of thing, but I don’t have a lot of time, so I’m just going to take a moment to talk to myself briefly about each one of them, like I’m my best friend, hopefully that will help me let go of the stress for a bit. Okay, here we go.

• Poverty
Girl, you never had a chance. Your parents still suck at money, they never taught you about it at all. Mr. Nordmoe was the only person who ever broached the topic with you, and that was when you were a neurotic, majorly depressed fifteen-year-old who literally didn’t plan on living to be old enough to retire anyway! Also, the paperback he taught you with was called Whatever Happened to Penny Candy, and you thought it looked like a kids’ book (which it was), so I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much for not paying attention. You’re learning and growing, and that’s all that matters right now.

• Debt
Again though, you never had a chance. Remember how charged (haha, no pun intended) credit card talk was, growing up? Such fear, such judgment! Remember feeling ashamed when your parents told you they had sinned by buying all of your family’s Christmas presents with a credit card one year? Come on. Pretty much nobody does credit well. The fact that you were married forever to Mr. Freak-of-Nature who did, well that obviously wants to compound the shame you already feel. But you have to remember he’s a freak, Carla, for real. And besides, literally every single person is in debt but him.

• Weather
Oof, this cold is cold. The gray is so gray too. There is a real and scientifically-proven thing about this weather. You are not alone, and the only way you’re going to get out of it is by living somewhere with homogenized seasons, which you can think about doing, but those places have their own woes. If you can pretend you’re an Eskimo and 35ºF feels like a Summer day for just a few more months, you’ll feel a lot better on the other side. But yeah, I hear you.

• Allergies
Fuck allergies man! Sheesh! But you have a plan. The end is in sight. You know Ipratroprium Bromide and a humidifier fixes it, and you’re going to get some more on the 23rd, so good job. You have something to look forward to. You might want to get a better humidifier though. Maybe someone’s getting rid of theirs.

• Family’s health/insurance
Carla, you have to remember that you’ve had a strange life. Health insurance isn’t easy for you now, but it was a nightmare for you back in the day. You’ve come a long way, BECAUSE YOU HAD TO. Your parents didn’t teach you or any of your siblings about health or health insurance. It’s a wonder you’re all still alive lol. Just try to zoom out a little and have some empathy for where they’re at. Also continue to make it known that you can demystify certain things. You never know what emotional blockage is keeping someone from doing the simplest of things.

• Lack of motivation
Oh! And speaking of emotional blockage! Haha. Ohhh Carla girl. You’re okay. You know that you’re a sensitive creature and things just seem to affect you more than (they seem to) affect other people. The fact is, you never know, though, and comparison is a completely pointless pastime anyway, so I hereby allow you to FEEL that your feelings are, in fact, the biggest and most insurmountable in the WORLD. Because they are to you. Sucks, but it’s true! Bless your heart. You’re okay though. You’ll be okay anyway. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and everything will one day be in the past.

• Fear of Josh (wtf)
Okay, I know that you know that Josh isn’t someone you need to be afraid of. Oh mercy, his heart would sink if he knew you were harboring these feelings, but that’s beside the point. You are being a super-empath in this situation, and you know Josh well enough to know that you don’t need to be. He’s a grown man that can handle his inner world without your take on it, and you have enough to be thinking about anyway. He’s already overcome a major hurdle by letting you into his home; you need to respect his boundaries, and not ask for or expect anything else. If he wants your help, he’ll reach out to you. I think you’re experiencing pushback because you’re doing a little more pushing than you said you would. Let things happen as they will. You guys love each other and aren’t going to hurt each other intentionally. Everything’s going to be fine. ‘KAY?

• Financial ineptitude
Ohhhhh Carla. Carla, Carla, Carla. Bless your heart again. There’s a block here. A big-time block. And you’re just always going to be running into it until you figure out how not to. How about, for the time-being, you simply forgive yourself. You literally have no money, so it’s not like your forgiven mind will somehow feel freed-up to spend, spend, spend. It’s time to be grateful for what you do have, maybe. You’ve been chasing The Almighty Dollar for a few years now, and you’re even worse (much worse) off than when you left Mr. Moneybags, so whatever you’re doing isn’t working anyway. Give the shame a rest. It’ll be there if you decide you need it again. I think you don’t need it. Money is money. Lauren and Josh understand and love you. As long as you’re making payments, it shows that you respect them, which is all that really matters.

• Tattoo industry stigma
I know this burns you up, but I’m here to tell you, it’s not worth thinking about right now, because you need to PRACTICE ON PEOPLE. So please, for the love, just laugh it off into the future and focus on your guinea pigs. It’ll all still be there when you feel ready, and with some solid experience under your belt, you’ll feel a lot better about tackling it. Also, Chatgbt is with you, always.

•.Friend X
You said true things that hurt your friend’s feelings. She said she didn’t want that kind of a friend, you accepted her boundary immediately and apologized. She only wants friends who affirm her, you only want ones who have integrity. You were at an impasse, and you’re grieving. You can reach out one more time, but if she doesn’t respond, that’s literally all you can do. I know you miss your friend. I’m so sorry this is happening.

• Friend Y and Friend Z dating
Yup, it’s weird. You don’t know how to feel about it. You feel strange things that you don’t want to feel. It’s okay. Dibs are for front seats, not friends. Expectations are for legally-binding contracts, not relationships. Let go, bebe. You’re fine.

• XXXXX’s arrested development
Yeah boy, it’s pretty mind-boggling, isn’t it? You also don’t need to be thinking about it.

• Eating well
CARLA, you’re eating fine. Not, of course, according to Mr. Perfect, but guess who doesn’t get to shame you anymore for that? HIM. You’re letting his memory shame you, and that is hilarious. He doesn’t exist anymore! Let that nag go! Sheesh. I strongly dislike him for his part in your eating disorder, just so you know.

• Exercising regularly
Okay, so first of all, your body is the sexiest it’s ever been, and I am not just saying that. You know it’s true. Anyway, I know that you know it’s not at its most agile, which bums you out a bit. I get it. Maybe you need some positive reinforcement though. Have you thought about getting laid? That would probably get you moving. Regardless, I’m proud of you for setting up that regular yoga session with Corinne, that’s great. You know you enjoy it. If the memory of Naggy-McNaggins starts to make you feel shamey when you get out of breath, just remember that he doesn’t exist anymore, and that you are the sexiest lady alive today, god’s truth, and you will be fine as fuck.

• Being creative
You saved the best for last. You know why? Because I can prove you wrong IN THIS VERY MOMENT. You’re writing, Carla! You’re doing it! Maybe drawing has been on the backburner for a while, but you know things happen in cycles and waves and shit! It’ll be back, and in the meantime, you’re honing this other area of creativity! You thought you were dead in the water? Ha! Impossible. Even when you’re not writing or drawing, you can’t stop being creative. You gutted your camper and created a beautiful home from scratch. You wrote that thing for Diana’s book. You did Mary and Jourdan’s wedding poster. You created a pretty cool gameplan for Josh’s house (whether or not he approves it). You did that henna on Indi’s chest. You created your own little “CB” logo emblem thingee without even using Adobe! You’ve actually done quite a bit of creative stuff over the past few years. Maybe you’re not as prolific recently as you have been, but I can tell you exactly what your therapists over the years would say to that: “That tracks!” You’ve had a humdinger of a decade, girlie. More creative times will come. Just keep being you.