People, People

Hi. It’s a delightfully cool and rainy day. My host and dear friend is kicking me out. It’s fine. I should’ve expected it. People are just people, after all. Even the most generous of us can get a burr under our saddles from time to time, and just not be able to see past it. I completely understand. When I have a toothache, or a pinched nerve somewhere, or itchy hemorrhoids, it’s literally all I can think about. You ask me to be gracious when I have that kind of sensation going on inside my body that’s supposed to be WORKING… ppfft. Forget it! Anyway, I think my friend that I’ve been staying with in downtown Ithaca is just going through some shit right nowand can’t handle anyone else’s presence but her own, and though I’m bummed, I bear her absolutely no ill will, and am gratefully moving on tomorrow.

You may have thought that I’d moved on already, to Iowa. Well, just a few days before we were going to leave, I came down with an awful cold that turned into pneumonia almost immediately, and Adam’s back went out, so we decided to call it off. (Sorry––if you have no idea what I’m talking about––my ex-husband/now friend, Adam turned 41 on the 15th and I had bought us tickets many, many moons ago to see one of our favorite bands, The Magnetic Fields, play a two-night concert in our former home, Iowa City the weekend of his birthday.) It seemed like literally everything aligned to keep us from going, so yeah, we decided to trust the woo-woo and stay put.

I’d been recovering slowly in my friend’s driveway, stressing about money and where to go next––feeling the growing tension from nextdoor––and this morning she sent me a text that confirmed my suspicions. So I cried for a second, sent out a few pressure-release texts to best friends, and booked my next stay at a local state park. It’s only a few nights, since Memorial Day weekend is totally booked. I’ll probably ask one of aforementioned best friends if I can occupy their driveway over the weekend. Either that or find the nearest Camping World. I joined their club so I can stay in any of their parking lots for free, for up to three nights! And they’re pretty huge lots, so I’m sure there would be space for me.

Do I sound depressed? I’m a little down. I’m suffering from extreme executive function paralysis, maybe the worst I’ve ever had it. Blogging usually helps, which is why I’m here, but I doubt I’m going to be my usual jovial self. I’m fine with that, I just thought I’d let you know, in case you couldn’t already tell. We all go through phases. I’m in a rough patch right now. It’s nice to type that out, and see the impermanence of it. It is a patch, not a continent. I’ll get through it. I’m getting through it right now, by remembering that I’ll get through it.

My plans are changing, obviously. I don’t have any money, or rather, I have less than $200, and I have to spend some of that on propane this week, so I won’t be leaving town anytime soon. What made me think I could, before? Shut up, Satan. I’ve never been the best with money, that’s true, but several things did come up suddenly that helped deplete my savings, and––as you may or may not know––I’m unemployed at the moment, so I’ve got nothing coming in. I’ve applied for several remote jobs, but they all seem to require a wired connection to internet, which I can’t do for obvious reasons (did you know I live in a camper?). I decided this morning that I’d look into driving for Uber, and they’re running my background check now. I may not even be a candidate though, because of my dumb ol’ driving record. Probably not.

The other thing that I’m seriously working on and thinking about is starting a Patreon. For those of you who don’t know, Patreon is a hosting site for creative people to sell their goods and services through ongoing, tier-based subscriptions. So for example, I might have four tiers, and the first tier, people would pay $5/month to get access to my podcast, the second one, they might pay $20/month and get a monthly mailout or something, etc. etc. The site has come a long way over the past few years––now they offer all of the digital goods themselves (as opposed to having to integrate with other platforms), so I could blog, podcast, post art and videos all right there from/on/to one site. This is extremely appealing to me because I want to leave the internet so bad. Too many sites, too many socials, too much news, too many flashy hands grabbing at me as I’m just walkin’ along trying to find my way. Like that scene from Snow White in the woods.

That has to come later though. Right now, I have to think about where my next meal is coming from. This is ridiculous. Except even that has to come later––at least later than right now, because now I have to think about unlocking my paralyzed joints and accomplishing my to-do list before I shake the dirt of this crummy little town off my feet and get into #Nature. So let’s do it.

This is my to-do list for today and tomorrow:
• Charge all things
• Do the damn dishes
• Empty the black bucket
• Make a dump run (don’t forget your nose clip this time!!!)
• Fill extra propane tanks (and maybe get a couple more fore good measure)
• Secure all things
• Put up “Careful when you open it” signs
• Prep the back seat of the truck for Rowan (whenever/if it stops raining)
• Check the tire pressure (definitely fill right passenger)
• Dump gray water and fill tank upon arrival

That all seems fairly doable. I wish it wasn’t raining, but I have a great raincoat, so I’ll be fine. I’m glad it isn’t a thousand degrees. I should probably go ahead and start doing. Why does my body feel like it’s rooted to the couch? Have I become the, infamous, Couch Potato? I’ve been struggling so much to move myself lately, and I know (because my therapist told me) that it’s normal. I’ve actually been through a fuck-ton the past few months… years, really, but especially months. It makes perfect sense that I would need a period of hibernation after the chaos and upheaval I’ve had to navigate recently. But I’m still going to beat myself up for it. Because I suppose by virtue of having bootstraps, it must entail that I have the presence of mind, skillset, willpower, motivation, strength, energy, and impetus to pull myself up by them, right? Blehhhh. LIFE IS PAIN. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

Rain is real drag too though. Oppressive. I am like a cow under its weight. Make me not stand! I shall lie here and chew my cud… until the sun comes back… or Rowan requires a bloodmeal. Hahaha, bloodmeal. BLOODMEAL. Gross. Anywaaaaay, god… I have to get myself UP! I AM NO COW! I AM WOMAN! … maybe music would help. Do you have a playlist or album that you put on to zest yourself into action? Because I need it. Send them my way please. All I can think of is: